Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
You Might Also Like
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
best review i’ve ever seen
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?