My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
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{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know