You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.