I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
yeah not falling for this one
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Every time my phone rings
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.