Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”