Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
moms in horror movies
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors