If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.