Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
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Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Ion see the issue
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw