me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
You Might Also Like
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
How can I say no to this ?
Effort made
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Cat.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
The struggle is real
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids