To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion