I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.