Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?