Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Raisins are grape jerky.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where