“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
🍛
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
worst…sale…ever
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is