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[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I wanna be friends with this person
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The happy life.. 😊
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.