My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT