“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
happy mother’s day❤️
Bro what is this
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now