The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?