“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
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“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean