Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
You Might Also Like
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I found your tweet-up…
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet