How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
me when the borders lift
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds