My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.