“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
You Might Also Like
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge