My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’