COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
More like Kate Missington.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.