Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
kevin is now a local weatherman
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.