My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!