Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
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[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Come back with a warrant
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit