My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
A short story of betrayal:
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else