This is always good for a laugh.
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“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.