toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting