Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Spring of Deception
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.