EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Dolls on drugs
Somebody call the cops.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Mouse