No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)