If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers