Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!