[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare