you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
no regrets
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
my name if I was in the mob
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
english majors be like furthermore
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands