[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*swipes right on my hand mirror
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.