“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
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ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
pelicons
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*lint rolls you awake*
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
#SuperBowl
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.