Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
consequences, the bane of my existence
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My favorite farside!!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
so much to do