Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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me doing my best
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
happy friday
Growing out my freckles.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
when there are deer in the woods
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??