Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
You Might Also Like
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious