me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
just pretend nothing happened
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly