*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
no refunds
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I’m calling the cops.