these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me as a therapist: omg same
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.