Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not