Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal