Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You Might Also Like
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*