‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
You Might Also Like
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly